Once upon a time Winnie the Pooh was sitting about eating homey like a boss when along came his buddy Piglet.
"Why hello, Piggy," said Pooh. "Today we are going to discuss strangers."
"W-w-what are strangers?" Asked Piglet. "They're not SCARY, are they Pooh? I'm already S-SCARED of o-o-oh so many things!"
"No, they aren't scary," laughed Pooh, patting his porcine friend on the head. "They just want to abduct kids. And bears. And pigs. And throw them in trunks alongside dirty crack spoons with duct tape over their mouths. So they can barely breathe. Then take them to dingy basements and make pants out of them."
"Oh D-D-DEAR!"Squealed Piglet. "That doesn't sound good at all, P-P-Pooh! How do I stop strangers??"
Pooh laughed. "Let me show you! Do you see that man over there? In the short shorts and hat?"
"P-P-Postman Dave?"
Pooh nodded. "Yes, Piglet!"
"B-But he's not strange to me! I know him, Pooh!"
Pooh laughed a deep belly laugh full of rumbly tumbly yum yum goodness. "Silly Piglet," said the yellow, pantsless bear. "Sometimes strangers can be people in your neighborhood! See how he's walking towards us and getting something out of his pack? It's probably duct tape!"
"Then we need to DO something, Pooh?" Piglet said clutching his friends paw. "Piglets don't like being made into pants!"
Pooh laughed. "Don't worry, Piglet. I will now show you what to do to be safe from strangers."
"T-That's good, Pooh! Are we going to sing about safety now?"
"Hey Pooh," said The Stranger. "Got a package here for--"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR PACKAGE, YOU FILTHY PAEDERAST!" Pooh bellowed, exposing the man's ribs with his claws. "I'LL TEACH YOU TO PUT BEARS AND PIGLETS IN TRUNKS!!" He clamped his teeth down on the man's leg. Blood guttered from the post man's femoral artery as Pooh shook him like a ragdoll.
"Oh d-d-dear!" Piglet cried, covering his eyes with his hooves. "Please stop, P-Pooh! I think he's sorry! I don't believe he will abduct us anymore!"
But Pooh, drunk with bloodlust, was blind to reason. He was currently feasting on the Postman's bowels, who, screaming, was still trying to claw at the dirt in a vain effort to get away.
Piglet ran through the woods until he met the one and only Tigger. "Well hello, Piggy," Tigger said, playfully poking the pig's belly. "Why you look as white as a -- like you saw a hephalump! What's wrong, Little buddy?"
"Oh, Tigger, Pooh was just teaching me about strangers and.. P-Postman Steve... he's..."
"Strangers are bad news, Little Buddy!! You don't want to be kidnapped, do you? You don't want your anal virginity violated by a porking cone!"
"N-n-n-certainly NOT!"
"Then let the one and only Tigger tell YOU how to be safe!" The tiger said, jabbing the petrified porker as though to remind him exactly who 'you' entailed.
"Yes!" Piggy cried, "please tell me how to be safe with a catchy yet c-condescending musical number."
"See that man over there?"
"You want Christopher Robin's dad?"
Tigger clasped the pig by the shoulders and leaned in close, looking left then right to make sure no one would hear what came next. "Don't let WHO he is fool you, Piggy." Tigger whispered. "Strangers come in all shapes and sizes! Your best friend or favorite grandpa may be a stranger!!"
"Oh d-dear!"
Tigger nodded. "That means ANYONE may want to abduct you and cram that sensitive piggy butt hole just FULL of canolis!"
"Y-You obviously spent a lot of time thinking about this."
"Yes," Tigger whispered sensuously, "and so has HE!" In one bounce of his tail, Tigger had tackled Mr Robins to the mossy ground.
"I'll teach you to be a predator!" He said, detaching the elder man's nose at the moustache. "I'll teach you to rub Canola oil on young impressionable pigs and put them in sexy storm trooper costumes for your own sick amusement!!"
"Golly gosh!" Cried Mr Robins. "But I never-"
"I'll teach you to... lithe ankles... tight fitting dungareesss... wrrraaaaagghooo!" Tigger seethed, semding the older man's jaw flying into the bushes. "Warggawaghammmmmbl..." he continued, his tigger mouth full of trachea.
"Oh d-d-d-shit!" Piglet cried, dashing away through the forest. He ran and ran until he met Christopher Robin, who was sitting in a clearing with his laptop.
"C-C-Christopher Robin!! Tigger!! Your dad!!"
"That's great, Piglet," the youth said, looking up with a wide grin. "But did you know that strangers can find yout ANYWHERE?? Even the internet!"
"Oh d-d-fuck!"
"That's right! That's exactly what strangers want to do to impressionable young pigs! Do you want to be eight months porknant and also high on bath salts?"
"W-w-What are you blathering on about, you shorts-wearing idiot?? Tigger killed your dad!! It was awful!"
Christopher Robins laughed. "What are you talking about, Piggy? Tigger can't have killed my father. Tigger's not real. I made him up just like I made up the rest of you, and as soon as I find a girlfriend and go off to college your world will end!"
"W-w-what??"
"But don't worry about that. I want to teach you how to be safe online."
Piglet heaved a sigh. "There isn't going to b-be a musical number, is there?"
"Silly bacon. Of course not. Now I've invited a random pervert to this very clearing with promises of fellatio!"
"Oh d-d-dear."
"Yes. Here he comes now."
And indeed, through the woods came a man in a police constables uniform with a bad wig tucked under his hat.
"B-But that's constable Higgins. Wearing a bad Corey Feldman wig."
"Shh!" Urged Christopher Robij, reaching behind his back. "We don't want to let him on to our clever ruse!"
"Good day, young fellow," the constable said from beneath his neatly combed moustache. "Would you happen to be going on the Internets under the alias..." he whipped open a notepad, smudging a line with his gloved thumb. "Christopher_Rubbins420?"
"Why yes," Christopher Robbins said, standing up. "You must be creepy0ldster69! I've been ever so excited to meet you."
"Young man, I am Constable Higgins with the 100 Acre Wood internet crimes division," the man taking off his hat for a moment to whip off his wig. "I have come to inform you that sharing unsolicited bum photos with overage men is a crime and you may be looking at twenty years behind b--"
"You filthy pervert!" Christopher cried, pulling a kris knife out from behind his back. "I sacrifice your degenerate soul to the true Bophisto, He Who Sleeps Beneath the Hundred Acre Wood!"
"Drop your weapon!" The constable barked, drawing his painted constabling stick. He moved in, attempting to tackle Christopher Robins, only for the young man to duck behind him.
"IA IA BOPHISTO PHTHAGN!" Christopher cried, plunging the knife deep into the elder man's lungs.
"I'm g-getting out of here!" Piglet cried.
"Wait! Piggy!" Christopher Robins cried, wiping his brow with a bloody hand. "It's okay! He was a STRANGER!"
Piglet ran through the woods all the way to the shopping mall, where he bought a flame thrower and a decade's worth of spam and canned corn. He ran home and barricaded himself in, living beneath his bed until, with a sigh of relief he realize Christopher Robin had finally met a girl, and he blinked out of existence.
THE END
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