Once upon a time Tom Cruise was sound asleep in his forty million dollar bed in his five hundred million dollar castle on his private continent on his private tectonic plate that his Scientology "volunteers" custom made for him somewhere in the Pacific. He was just drifting off into dreams when something awoke him from the window!
"Whoosh!!"
"Omg!" Cried John Travolta, emerging from Tom's closet with his Grease underoos about his hairy Italian ankles. "Wtf is that, Tom??"
"It is I, SparkleBean!" Spake a bear, floating through the window like a cloud. Sparklebean was quite tall with fur the color of a blue raspberry jolly rancher and paw pads the color of a green apple jolly rancher. "I have come this night to teach you the power of dreams!!"
"But Sparklebean I know their power!" Thomas Cruise insisted. "I was just dreaming of both the Olson Twins feeding me Dodo eggs in a ten billion quadrillion dollar platinum-plated mansion in my own custom galaxy somewhere on Orion's belt."
"Gee golly I think I still have Orion's belt huuhee," said John.
"Those are but foolish fantasies, Tom!" Sparklebean chided. "Foolish, petty, shallow things. You have grown slothful, Tom, and your acting has paid the price!"
"It has?"
"Oho yes, Tom. Once you drank deeply at the chalice of dreams. You walked the azure shores of Twilight's Reach and danced in the incensed caverns of the Undying Empress. Back then you made such films as Top Gun and Rain Man because you hungered for the impossible. The people they bathed like daisies in your reflected glory and a golden age was ushered in.
"Then you became rich and your dreams mired in the mundane. Your acting lost that hunger and imagination and you made films such as Far and Away and Eyes Wide Shut and lo the public lost faith in the once great Thomas Cruise! Now... now I fear they will never accept you as Jack Reacher!"
Tom gasped at this. "Spirit, please tell me. Is all hope lost? Can events yet be changed? Can I still become the demigod that is Jack Reacher?"
Sparklebean drew a heavy breath. "It is possible," spake the bear. "Indeed, it is why I am here. Do you hunger for the old days, Tom Cruise?"
"I do!" Spake Thomas Cruise.
"Will you do anything to become Jack Reacher? Even pursue your dreams beyond the haunted shoals of Evernight, where radiant nudibranch feed upon the screams of stillborn babies, themselves eaten by horrid, eyeless porpoises?"
"I shall!"
Sparklebean hopped up and down, clapping giddilly. "And what of you, fat Italian? Will you assist your friend in his quest of dreams?"
"Geezers you betcha!" Cried Travolta.
"Then we shall begin!" Sparklebean wove his fuzzy blue paws in the air and they felt their reality fade away like dirt in a shower. Before them was a field of flowing golden wheat, bordered by forest of amethyst trees.
"I... I remember this place!" Said Tom.
"You do!" Spake Sparklebean.
"I have been here before."
Sparklebean clapped his fuzzy paws. "Yes! You have!"
Tom whistled and from the cotton candy clouds slipped a marvelous golden dragonfly with a horn like a narwhal and a bridle made of fluffy clouds. Tom climbed into the stirrups and signaled for his friends to follow.
"Come now," the Top Gun star said. "I know what I must do."
"Huzzah!" Cried Sparklebean.
Long did they quest from the Hollow Mountains to the coral forests of Buccaneer's Doom. They danced at Midautumn's Ween with the glimmering and anthropomorphic dandelions of the Million Lakes and fought legions of gibbering forkit-beasts in the yellow tentacle rebellions on the crystal moons of Betelgeuese.
Finally Tom bowed before his blue guide. "Friend Sparklebean, I have renewed my hunger and imagination!"
"Hooray!" Cried Sparklebean, hopping from foot to foot and pounding his paws in the air.
"I know now what it means to be Jack Reacher. I have done much and am ready to return to my humble forty million dollar bed."
"And what of you, Greasy Italian?" Sparklebean asked. " are you prepared to go home?"
"Oh geegolly yes," spake John. "I think I left a roast cooking in Tom's closet."
Sparklebean laughed heartily and patted them both on the back. "Well, friends, then my work here is done. All ye need do to return is touch my wiener. "
"Uh," said Tom.
"Err..." said John.
"Go on," Sparklebean encouraged.
"Your wiener?"
"Indeed!"
"And by wiener you mean..."
"I want you to box my beef baton."
"Ah," Tom nodded sagely. "Can't you just, you know, wave your arms again?"
"Oh my no!" Sparklebean laughed. "That's just to GET here. To return to the human world is much more difficult prospect. It requires you both bounce my Bilbo Baggins. Feel free to say hi to Merry and Pippin while you're down there."
"Both of us?" Tom asked. "I'm pretty sure you just wanted John to do it before."
"M-me?" John stammered.
"Come now, I've rejuvenated your career, have I not? Taught you that dreams are even more important than mundane wealth and fame?"
"Well, yes." Tom said. "Of course."
"Well Tom, MY power source is you boys dangling my dingleberries!"
"Erm," said Tom Cruise.
"Well," said John Travolta.
"Sorry boys, I don't make the rules, you see!"
"If it's REALLY the only way to get out of here..." said John.
"It seems very suspicious that a blue bear would be molester-powered." Said Tom Cruise.
They approached slowly and were just about ready to part his long, blue fur when a squeaky voice cried out: "Aha! I've got you now, you charlatan!"
"The King of Candyland!" Cried Sparklebean. "It's so, um, GOOD to see you, your Majesty!"
A small, portly man with a beard of cotton candy, an enormous ruff made out of bitto-honey and a crown that seemed to be made out of praline zipped in on a magic carpet of twizzlers. "It's good to see you too, Rufus, or as you preferred to be called, Sparklebean!"
"I can explain!"
"Tell it to the macaroons!" the King scoffed. "Get him, boys!"
Just then, Tom Cruise and John Travolta noted two or three dozen multicolored gumdrops hopping over the hill. They were going to warn their molester friend, but saw he had already taken off at a gallop. Sadly, he was just an anthropomorphic bear and had bones and fur to slow him down. The jellies came on him like a confectionary landslide and soon had him encased in their gelatin.
"Good work," said the king as the gelatinous bob that encased Sparklebean rolled towards him. "Take this criminal back to the palace. He has much to answer for!"
"Is he going to be OK?" Tom asked as the blob hopped away.
"Oh he's the LAST thing you should worry about," the King said. "Let me guess. He promised to take you on a magical dream quest to restore your love of acting or some nonsense."
"Uh, yes."
"But then he can't get back. Not without you diddling hi skittles anyway."
"Well... sort of. Yes."
"Yes, my boys. It looks like we got here just in the nick of time. That bear was not Starbright or Stickybear or Sparklebean or whatever he's calling himself now. He is Rufus, Dreamland's only molestation-powered bear. And now that we have him, I'm going to make sure we put him away! Forever!"
"That's great." Tom Cruise said. "So it's not like he could get us back anyway."
"Oh no," the King said. "He could."
|"But that doesn't matter," Travolta said, "'Causefore you guys will be able to get us home now! Yippee!"
"You guys?? Oh no. I'm afraid that's just not possible!"
"What??" Tom Cruise asked.
"You boys are humans! You EAT my people! Bite their heads off over easter! It would be like asking someone from your world to help Adolf Hitler if Hitler were also a cannibal who bit the heads of bunnies who were minding their own business. Besides, we just can't do it. Rufus could, but unfortunately, to protect children like you, he's going away forever."
"But then how are we going to get home?" Tom asked. "We're movie stars! We'll be missed!"
"Guys," the King said, "I can't telll you how angry this oversight makes me. Maybe this represent a moral gray area. Maybe we should have let Rufus send you boys back before - AROOOO," with a horrible yell, the King of Candyland gripped his gut. He doubled over just as a powdery jet of pixie stick dust exploded from his royal anus, rocketing him through the air back towards Candyland. "CONFOUND MY IBS!!" Was all he could say.
Tom Cruise and John Travolta sat about for quite a while. They were hopeful, and they still had some jabberwock jerky, which they split as they played tic tac toe. In time they became impatient and began to wander. They wandered through the forest of the Jub Jub birds where the Grus distilled moon juice in primordial vats. They wandered through the plains of Pamelcras where the golden spirits of children play. They wandered west of Westerling and East of the Great Sunbird, who rests on the cliffs of morning.
Finally they came to a town where they were surprised to meet who else, but Tom Cruise.
"What ho, Tom Cruise," Tom Cruise in peasant garb said, tipping his feathered
"That was weird," The Tom Cruise we know as Tom Cruise said.
"You can say that again," John Travolta said. "It was strange. It was also whacky."
"Hey John," Pulp Fiction John Travolta said, touching his greasy forelock.
"Whoah," the John Travolta we contextually understand as John Travolta said. Just then they passed through a crowd of John Travoltas who were waiting in line for Tom Cruise to get out of a portajohn.
"Wow," said Our Tom Cruise. "What is this place?"
"You must be new here," Far and Away Tom Cruise said in a terrible Irish accent. "This is the land of Tom Cruise, where all the world's dreams of Tom Cruise go once they are dreamt into being."
"And I'm here too," Said John Travolta.
"Yes, you are." Said Far and Away Tom Cruise.
"But I'm not dreamed," Our Tom Cruise said. "I'm the real Tom Cruise."
Far and Away Tom Cruise laughed in a whimsical fashion. "Och, laddy, by my phony accent we ALL say that for starters."
"No," Tom insisted. "I was brought down here by Sparklebean the bear, who was just arrested for reasons I'd rather not get into. I need to get back into the real world so I can continue to make films that will make more of you guys."
"Yeah, me too!" Insisted John Travolta.
"Sparklebean," Far and Away Tom Cruise removed his cap. "You don't mean THE Sparklebean, the molestation-powered dream bear! HE brought you here from the Waking World??"
"He did!"
"Then you gentlemen must meet the leader of all Tom Cruise Land, Tom Cruise Some Sixteen Year old Dde Dreamed up Back in the 80's. We call him Dan."
And so they went into the tallest tower of the tallest air force base on campus, where Dan Tom CruiseSat on a thrown of really attractive, oily men playing beach volley ball.
"Sire," said Far and Away Tom Cruise, "I bring to you Tom Cruise and John Travolta from--"
"The real world," Dan said, taking off his shades and fixing them with his irony stare. "I already know."
"Look... me... we need to get back," Real Tom Cruise said. "Our physical bodies are probably suffering by now, and without me to create epic movies in the real world, who will dream you guys into being?"
"I'm afraid that's impossible," Dan said. He snapped his fingers and a mostly naked Val Kilmer brought one of them a paper. "Read this." Dan said, tenting his fingers.
"What's it say?" John Travolta said.
"Oh wow," Tom Cruise said. "It says here that John Travolta and Tom Cruise died in Tom's one hundred billion dollar mansion. The cause of death was... smoke inhalation."
"I guess I did leave that roast on," John Travolta said.
"Yes," Dan said. "With the true Tom Cruise dying, I'm afraid our Tom Cruise utopia will slowly fall into decline, and then fade away altogether."
"Can we at least stay here until it does?" Tom asked. "The King of Candyland wouldn't let us go with him."
"Very well," Dan said. "But I'm afraid I can't offer you much."
"Why not?" Tom asked. "I am the real Tom Cruise! I should be in charge here!"
"Ah but," Dan said, "all the Tom Cruises here were dreamed up with traits that were ever so slightly superior to yours. I, for instance, have muscle tone and a great dick. Far and Away Tom Cruise has a slightly more realistic Irish accent."
"Faith and begora." Far and Away Tom Cruise said with a nod.
"What will happen to us, then?" John Travolta said.
"You'll have to earn a living like anyone else. I've heard there are jobs down in the massage parlors by where the furry conventions meet."
Our Tom Cruise and John Travolta complained, but there was nothing for it. That very afternoon Tom Cruise found himself massaging the fuzzy pelt of a purple bear. It was somewhat like Sparklebean, but whereas Sparklebean's fur smelled of daffodils and awesomeness, this pelt smelled of mothballs and vomit and alcohol and had splotchy stains all over its legs. It was also fat and saggy, as far as bears go anyway.
He got tipped, but he had to do things he wasn't proud of, which just goes to show you that sometimes things aren't fair. Even in Dreamland.
THE END??
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