Once upon a time there was a straightforward young go-getter named Johnny Business. Johnny worked in the mergers&acquisitions department of Velicoraptor Inc.
"This is a hostile takeover," he would say. "You're taken over. Get out!"
"But this is a school," the principal would say. "Who would do a hostile takeover of a public grade school?"
But Johnny Business did not care. It was not his job to care. It was his job to say things. The more things he said, the more Mr Moneybelt would make the money. Someday he hoped, the old man would notice his pluck and energy and complete disregard for sentimentality or common sense. Then he would become a VP and wear a big hat.
"I hope Mr Moneybelt notices me today," Johhny would say as he and his girlfriend Tootie lay in bed. Tootie would not say anything. She just liked Johhny for his money, and secretly hoped that he would one day shut up and maybe die.
But while Johhny was trying to catch Mr. Moneybelt's eye, someone else was trying to catch his. You see, every day Johhnny came to work, he ordered an overpriced coffee drink. That drink was handed to him by a pretty young girl named Flopsy.
"Good morning Johhny," she would say. "Here's your half-caff mocha latte in a rival chain's coffee cup just like you like."
And then he would take it from her without so much as a word. So she pined and waited until one day he came in with that special look in his eyes.
"Flopsy," He said.
"Yes?" She asked.
"I've realized something. Something I should have come to know a long time ago. Something that was under my nose all along, but that I needed to be aware of in order to know."
"I see," she said, putting her tiny hands to her fluttering heart.
"We've bought you out in a hostile takeover," he said, "get out."
"But doesn't honesty and humility true love triumph over mindless corporate greed," she asked, "can't you see that, all this time you've been out bringing down other corporations I've been right beside you, handing you your coffee?"
"I thought you were a machine or some sort of toilet," he said. "Now get out. I've also hostiley taken over your home and your cat. You can't look at them either."
Flopsy cried and cried. Then later she got a big major degree and made lots of money. She took over Mr. Moneybelt's corporation and turned it into a giant toilet. She made Johhny Business into a human urinal cake and that was awesome.
THE END.
