The Vampires of Candyland

"Hey," Said Maurice.

"Hey," Said Susie.  "Nice night for a date."

"Indeed it is," Spake Maurice, "and being that it is our third date, I thought I'd tell you that I am a vampire."

"Gee," Susie shouted.  "That means you're all brooding and soulful."

"No," Said Maurice. "It's not like that at all."

"Well," Said Susie, "then you can turn into mist and a bat and other Creatures of the Night!"

"Lord no," Said Maurice, "Bats are dirty.  I think they carry AIDS."

"Oh," Said Susie.  "Well, is it magical?"

"It's very magical."

"Can we go on a Magical Vampire Adventure?"

"We sure can!"

So Maurice whistled and his magical unicorn flew down on a magical rainbow that glittered like Abba would if it were a rainbow and not a band.  "This is my unicorn," Maurice said. "I call him Joe."

"Er," said Susie.  "Will he be doing the rainbow thing every time?"

"He sure will," said Maurice.  "He also shits care bears.  It's all part of being a vampire.  You ready?"

"Er, alright."

So they flew off through the dark and spooky night.  Susie kept hoping they would get to swoop low and maybe wear a cape or a beret and maybe bite people and hang out in coffee shops utilizing iPads, but no such luck.

"Almost there," said Maurice.

Susie looked down and realized she was so lost in her vampire-inspired revery that she had entirely missed their approaching a vast, idealic land with towering spires and cathedrals that seemed to reach to clouds as pink as cotton candy.  She was beginning to think she could get into this medieval-type shit, until she sailed through one of the clouds, and realized it was actually cotton candy. Then they were banking along towers  shingled with gumdrops and the stained glass windows made of some kind of jolly rancher.  Even the night soil carts were laden with chocolate kisses and salted nut rolls.

She sighed, folding her arms in front of her.  "Fuck all," she said.  "we're in Candy Land, aren't we?"

Maurice beamed back at her.  "We sure are!  We're going to go to the castle of the king!  He's my dad!"

"Lame!"

"He's also a vampire!"

She sighed more loudly this time, hoping he would take note.  "Fine.  I'll tolerate this.  But it better be good."

"Oh it's going to be good alright," Maurice said as they banked towards a tall gingerbread castle with peanut brittle ramparts.  "Today's the day of the Lemon Drop Parade!"

Susie rolled her eyes.  "For yay."

They banked through a tall arched window and Joe's hooves clattered on a fruit rollup floor polished as smooth as glass.

"Welcome back, my son!"  An old man with a sour patch crown and a pink cotton candy beard cried.  As Maurice dismounted and embraced his father, Susie could see the king's eyes were red and puffy.  Oh good, she thought.  The old man was probably all shaken up about drinking some peasant girl's blood.  He was probably being driven insane, trapped in the existential rift between disgust for what he had become and  the insatiable lust for blood.

"Father," Maurice said,"You've been crying.  What troubles you?"

The King heaved a sigh almost as heavy as his countenance.  "Oh m'boy, Mean Old Mayor McTaffy called Constable Cream Puff and made a complaint about our trumpets!  There's not to be a Lemon Drop Parade this year!"

"You see, Susie!"  Maurice said.  "I told you there'd be an Awesome Vampire Quest!  We need to go have a polite yet firm chat with Mayor McTaffy tout-suite!"

"You're the king," Susie reasoned.  "Can't you just order someone to cut off his head?'

"Lord no!" The King gasped.

"Well then can't you just order the parade to go on anyway?"

"No."  The old man shook his head sadly. "Not if Constable Creampuff says otherwise!" .

Susie put her hands on her hips.  "But you're king!"

"Technically speaking," Maurice said, "it's a constitutional monarchy.  The parliament has all the real power."

"We do get to have parades though," The King added.  "And ride a float at Booya!"

"Then drink his blood and make him your slave!"  Susie cried.

Maurice cringed at the word 'blood.'  "Oh dear, we could never do that!" The King gasped.

"Look," Susie spat the word through clenched teeth. "Are you guys vampires or what?"

"Of course we are!"  Maurice said.  "We ride rainbows and eat CANDY!"

Susie couldn't take it anymore.  She stomped her feet, hopped up and down, pooped directly in her pantaloons, and sank her molars into  the King of Candy Land's buttocks!

"My ass!"  The King cried, watching her gnaw off a macaroon-sized chunk.  "My royal, butterscotch ass!  Oh, whatever have you done?"

In a poof of pixy stick powder, Susie became a purple gummi bear.

"Oh no!"  Maurice cried.  "The curse!  The molasses witch said that if an outlander ever partakes of the King's royal ass, he or she will turn every night into a gummi bear!"

"She'll feed on the blood of mortals and sleep in a coffin!"  The King cried.

"That's totally skeevy and also dirty!"  Maurice screamed.  "She'll be Candy Land's first ACCOUNTANT!"

And with that Susie bobbed off into the night on a string that was only mostly visible.