Tom Cruise's Magical Wish

Once upon a time Tom Cruise sat upon the toilet. He strained and strained and strained and finally heard a sploosh.

 He was just about to flush the toilet when he heard a magical voice.

 "Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise!" Tom peered into the toilet bowl to see a rainbow-colored, sparkling turd floating in a sea of flourescent yellow.

 "Poo can't talk." Tom said.

 "I can," the poo said, "for I am a magical poo! If you'll just scoop me up and put me in your garden, I shall grant you a wish!"

 So Tom Cruise ran to the kitchen with his pants still 'round his ankles. "Young Scientology 'volunteer,'" he shouted to a toddler washing the dishes, "I need your assistance in the bathroom tout-suite!"

 Soon the young lad had scooped the poopy out and released it in the garden.

 "Now that you have granted me freedom," said the poop, "I shall grant you but one wish!"

 "Well, I already have five hundred oscars and a gold-plated luxury bus and a gaurunteed spot in Xenu's heavenly court on planet Vassuvius," Tom mused. "I suppose my life could have a soundtrack, so it could be just as awesome as my movies!"

 "Your wish is granted!" Said the poop, and then it decomposed into nothing. Just then some voices sang:

 Tom Cruise! 
Tom Cruise!
He rescued a poop and got a wish! 
Tom Cruise! 
Tom Cruise! 
Now he'll make a cult slave make him something delish!

"That's very good!" Tom Cruise exclaimed. "But Scientology is a valid religion. And they're 'volunteers,' not slaves!"

So after eating some beluga caviar with couscous prepared by his maid Billy, he went out on the town to meet his friend John Travolta.

As soon as John stepped into Tom's Gold-plated Luxury bus, the voices sang:


Tom Cruise! 
 Tom Cruise! 
He's hanging out with that guy from Grease! 
Tom Cruise! 
Tom Cruise! 
He smears his **** with elephant grease!

 "Geewow," exclaimed Travolta, "that was like awesome, Tom! Are you, like, teachin' Suri to be a ventriloquist?"

 "No," said Tom, "I rescued a magic crap this morning, and I got a wish.  It's super awesome, but needs some tweaking."

 "Holygee! Did you wish for people to like your movies?"

 "No! They already do!"

 "Goshyshucks! Did you wish for eternal life or like a mansion on Xenu's home planet?"

 "I'm Tom Cruise! I'll already have those things! I wished for a soundtrack to my life!"

 "Awyeah! So it could be just like the movies! I see where you're goin' with that, you sly dog!"

 And so Tom Cruise and John Travolta drove over to a fancy Chinese restaurant. The fanciest in all Hollywood! On their way to the table Tom admired the gorgeous, polished banisters and sexy cherry trim that ran along the ceiling.  Just then the voices sang:


Tom Cruise! 
 Tom Cruise! 
He's going to eat and ring a gong! 
Tom Cruise! 
Tom Cruise! 
The crown moulding is exciting his ****!

 "Shuckwow! What did they just say?" John asked.

 "That I'm hungry!" Tom growled. "Shut up and let's eat!"

 But he couldn't help it. As Tom made small talk with his fellow scientologist, his hands explored the half-wall beside his table. its paint was just so smooth, and the little inset brass sconces had such a delicate curve.

"Let's go order!" John insisted. And so they went up to the counter, because it was one of those places with a big central wok. And so they placed their order, and the food came up real fast.

 "Are you going to ring the gong?" Travolta asked. "

What?" Tom snapped. Just then he noticed the antique gong next to the counter that said "ring if you've had good service."

 "Those paparazzi are looking!" John said. "This would be just the thing to make you look like the 'common man!' Make you the man of the working people! The headlines'll read 'Tom Cruise rings gong! Expresses appreciation to peasants!"

 "Of course I'll ring the gong!" Tom said, taking the gong-beating implement, trying hard not to notice the smooth, supple work counter. "I'll beat it because I'm Tom Cruise!  And Tom Cruise beats it!  He beats it hard!"

And so he smacked that gong like it was a 'volunteer' who'd just messed up his emu omelet, and the voices cried out:

 Tom Cruise! 
Tom Cruise! 
Just like we said he rang that gong! 
Tom Cruise! 
Tom Cruise!
 He's gonna **** this building all night long!

 "NO!" Tom Cried. "NO! That's slander! I'll sue! I'll sue you all until you're DEAD!"

 But he could not do this. Because they were just magical voices, and they had no estate to speak of. So he settled for suing the restaurant owner and having his disgusting Hollywood way with the chair rail.