This is the story of the aforementioned men.
"Well, Mel Gibson, I have returned from having hot heterosexual sex with Lady Blakeny and also drinking her blood," said Tom Cruise, "and one of her maids, whom I also banged, told me that robo-King George is amassing an army of hessian orcs, which he intends to use to capture Washington DC!"
"Washington DC!" Exclaimed Mel Gibson, awakening among a pile of babes and freshly minted American dollars. "Crikey, mate! That's my glorious homeland's capital!"
"Isn't that Canberra?"
"Into the Gibson carriage!"
And in they hopped to the Gibson carriage, which was made out of titanium with a boss chrome exterior. Its OS was Google Chrome, an it was pulled by two boss armored bison. Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise rode towards Robo King George, who made mighty clanking and grinding noises as he got within sight of the White House. His orcish horde spread out before him like a really dirty shag carpet that was covered in syphilis, bullying townsfolk and trampling grass and convincing puppies that their mothers never loved them.
"WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!" Gibson bellowed, pulling out his twin muskets, Justice and Liberty, which he held like a pimp G money gangsta boss sideways, spewing a hundred and thirty two rounds per second at the tyranical robo-Brit.
Everything slowed down and the frame rate got all janky as Tom Cruise whipped out his triple-barrelled long rifle. He shot Mel a dirty look for pimping out that "liberty and justice" line so early, and simply shouted "YAAAAAGH" and fired the rifle like a motherfucking minigun. Together they hosed down orcs in redcoat uniforms like motherfucking dominos. One orc was sawn in half, and the head of yet another exploded liek a zit filled with both blood and bits of bone, while still another shouted "YAAA" and was blown into the air as a flaming bullet hit a propane tank behind him.
Just then a well-suited young gentleman in an exquisite powdered wig appeared on the roof eating a toasted crumpet with strawberry jam. They shot at him, but the bullets bounced off his force field of smugness.
"Here now," said Prime Minister Pitt the Younger, "we shan't have any of that. You dirty colonials will always be under our boot, you know, and you shall always have slavery too, because we British apparently invented that shit, and forced it on you, even though you will continue to have it long after the success of your little revolution."
"We will have FREEDOM!" Mel Gibson cried, but just then Pitt the Younger (who was also a magician if you weren't paying attention,) snapped his fingers, and both the buffalo were wearing top hats and monocles and saying "wotwotwot!"
"He zapped our bison!" Tom cried. "He turned them into British!"
"You FIEND!" Mel roared, firing his weapon impotently at the prime minister.
"Tootle-oo!" Pit chortled, blinking out of existence.
"We have to get off!" Mel shouted.
Tom gave him an odd look.
"Off this carriage!"
"YAAA!" They cried as they lept towards the camera and the carriage exploded, for some reason, in the background. The bison were okay. One married My Friend Flicka, and the other was roommates with the dog from Milo and Otis.
Our heroes, meanwhile, looked up just as a thankfully myopic redcoat passed by. "We will have to tell George Matthew Broderick Washington!" said Mel Gibson.
"We will have to sneak through enemy lines!" Said Tom Cruise.
And they did! But we won't bother with any of that being sneaky shit, because this story is just too boss like a motherfucker!
Fast forward like two days to George Washington Matthew Broderick looking at some sort of elaborate toy soldier shuffleboard in his war tent at Valley Forge! It had pictures of Rocky on the wall, and a Furby bought from Walmart, as any good American tent should.
"Hmmmm..." mused George Matthew Broderick Washington, stroking his beard in a boss way like Colonel Sanders.
"Sir!" Tom Cruise said, rushing in and then saluting.
"We have news from the enemy front!" Mel Gibson reported, also saluting.
"At ease, gentlemen." Matthew George Washington Carver said, returning the salute with a flourish. "What have you to report?"
"There is a giant robo King George headed for motherfucking Washington DC sir."
"Washington DC, you say?"
"Yes, sir. Motherfucking Washington DC."
"Oh my god!"
"Sir?"
"That's what that twenty-story monstrosity is that is just now approaching our proud nation's capital behind that massive army of orc redcoats! My God, men!"
"Uh?"
"I thought it was a zamboni!"
"Yes, Sir."
"I thought they were going to polish the streets!"
"Right. Well. We also determined that Prime Minister Pitt the Younger, who is a wizard, is helping him."
"A wizard!" George Broderick Matthew Washington Avenue stroked his beard. "Well then, if you'll pardon the anachronism, we will need to step up our game! We will need to bring our overacting to the HNL!"
"Uhm, sure."
"I am putting you men on assignment. I want you to go out into the backwaters of Kentucky and go to this location." He handed them a map parchment that had a big red X in it. "There you will meet a man who can help you."
"But couldn't you just summon him here, General?" Mel Gibson asked.
"Yeah, I mean time is sort of of the essence, Sir." Tom Cruise said.
"Silence!" Bellowed George Avenue Broderick Matthew Perry. "I must command this country from this, my base at Valley Forge! This STORY cannot LACK historical CREDIBILITY! Now leave me in peace!"
Two days later they were at a weird, creepy shack out in the Appalachians. Bad acting could be heard from inside. Tom Cruise gave Mel Gibson a quizzical look. Mel shrugged and knocked on the door.
A bizzare head with a receding hairline and swollen bugeyes popped out of the door. "WAAAAAAA!!!" It cried, bobbing around on its adam apple like a buoy with herpes. "WAAAAAAA!!"
"Holy crap!" Cried Mel Gibson. "It's Nicolas Cage!!"
"I AM -- THE SORCERER-- AND YOU --ARE-- MY APPRENTICE!"
"Nick, we need you to come to Washington DC, where giant robo King George, his army of orcs and royal wizard are endangering the very future of freedom and McDonalds!"
"I CAME HERE TO PARTY!" The head insisted. "PAR-TAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" It prnounced each A individually because it was boss like that.
"But Nick, think of all your movies! Remember Shitty of Angels? Britain would NEVER allow you to film that shit!"
"LET'S ROLL!"
And so they borrowed Will Smith's train and headed off to Washington DC like a bunch of boss-ass motherfuckers. The sun's dying rays fell across the locomotive, and across the cold steel of Peace, Justice, and whatever the hell Tom Cruise called the triple-barreled longrifle he had custom made by slave labor in his Scientology bus. Flames exploded from their five barrels and a veritable revolving door of lead tore through the ranks of the orc redcoats and their conveniently-placed propane tanks.
Just then Pitt the Younger appeared by the smokestack. "Well well," Pitt said, running a gloved hand over the enormous pipe. "Looks like this raging bull will have to become a John Bull, hahahahaha ah hahahaha."
"NOT -- SO -- FAST MOTHERFUCKER!" Nick snarled, climbing on to the roof of the locomotive. "YOU ARE PLUM LOCO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BRITONIZE THIS TRAIN!"
Pitt clapped his hand, and an enormous flock of bees swarmed from his powdered wig like an inverse tornado. They improbably (given the speed of the locomotive and wind and shit) wobbled in place for a moment like a semi-erect penis before converging on Cage, swallowing his lanky form whole.
"Oh go ON!" Pitt chided, "say your precious catch phrase! You know you want to!"
"LOOKS LIKE YOU CAN --TRAIN--" said Cage, suddenly emerging from the maelstrom, his head-bobbing and arm-flailing became so intense that his overacting repelled the stinging, honey-gathering insects. "AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS AFTER ALL!" He shouted, deflecting waves of bees back at the Brit.
"Clever pune," Pitt said, pulling a stinger from his now-swollen lip. "But can you so easily deflect TIM CURRY??"
Tim Curry just then appeared in a top hat and shit. "Hello, Prime Minister." Tim Curry said in his typical suave, Tim Curry fashion. "What seems to be -- OH MY GOD, THAT IS NICOLAS CAGE IN A DAMN BEAR SUIT!" And before he could even move, Nicolas Cage, now wearing a bear suit, delivered a proper uppercut that lifted the wide-eyed Brit from the train and directly into the oncoming path of Tom Cruise's bullet stream where he was torn apart like a motherfucking pinata.
"Damn you, bear suit Nicolas Cage!" Pitt spit. "I would do more, but it's tea time and I need to go get England ready for Charles Dickens! I'll get you some other time! SOME OTHER TIIIIIIME!"
And with that he vanished.
"FULL STEAM AHEAD MOTHAFUCKAS!" Furry Cage cried.
Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson looked primo pimp boss from the windows of the locomotive. Millions of orc redcoats died every millisecond from their seemingly infinite spray of bullets. Even Pentium computers from the future could not measure their boss pimp killing spree! It was just too dope. "I've decided what to name my barrels!" Tom Cruise cried.
"What?" Mel asked, picking the head off an orc drummer boy and thinking 'let's hear him play Rule Britania now, motherfucker.'
"Red, white, and blue!" Tom Cruise replied, ricocheting a shot off one orc's spinal cord and driving it up through three other orc's brains, killing them all and simultaneously giving them all orc AIDs.
"That's pretty good!" Spake Mel Gibson.
But sadly, their buddy shenanigans could not last forever, as the massive and evil boot of robo-King George came down upon the locomotive, pinning Mel Gibson inside.
"Mel!" Cried Tom, pulling at the tangled metal that held his friend. "Hang on, buddy! We're going to get you out of here!"
"No," Mel coughed. "This is the end for me. I can feel myself getting cold like a beer int he fridge."
"HAW HAW HAW," Laughed the evil King George. "SO MUCH FOR FREEDOM!"
"Yeah," Mel said, pulling out his suddenly-glowing muskets one last time, "Well don't TREAD on ME, MOTHAFUCKAAAAA!"
And with this he shot King George like eighty million times, and the robot exploded, crushing Will Smith's train as Tom Cruise and Nicolas Cage lept like pimp motherfuckers to safety.
Two weeks later they were back in Matthew Washington Irving's wartent being debriefed and also telling George Washington Matthews how the mission went.
"It's sad that Melford Gibson had to die," the guy who killed Godzilla said. "Still, we know he went down a hero, and that nothing short of the evil king of monarchy itself was able to take him down. We shall remember him forever by cooking dead cows over charcoal and lighting off cheaply made Chinese fireworks..."
"Mel Gibson, reporting for duty sir," Gibson said, just then walking through the tent with a snap to his salute.
"You look like shit, soldier." and indeed Gibson did. His shirt was torn, and he had some soot and blood artistically smudged across his face. "How the hell did you survive?"
"That's the America way, Sir." Gibson reported.
Nicholas Cage and Tom Cruise applauded and threw roses.
Nicholas Cage and Tom Cruise applauded and threw roses.
"Good Man, Good Man," George Washington Matthew Mcconohaughey Rickey Martinez said. "Do you have anything else to report?"
"Slavery is over, sir. In fact I went back in time so that it never started, thus revising history TO THE EXTREEEEME. Our economy is now rainbow-and-jellybean-dependent. Women also have the right to vote, the alien threat has been eliminated, we found the true meaning of Christmas, and I personally shot AIDS in the fucking face whilst banging some hot chicks. And it's all because of America."
"You are one boss ass motherfucker." The Very First President said, lighting up a Marlboro red and putting on boss sunglasses.
"Happy Independence Day, Sir."
