Grace twirled her blonde locks, a look of either confusion or constipation spreading across her pretty face. Crappy music from five years ago seemed to erupt from nowhere like an anonymous fart as the scene faded into a montage that showed the first time the young couple held hands, their first kiss, the first time they discussed the implications of her promise ring.
Tom heaved a sigh as stale footage of his adopted sister making out with the football jock streamed across his reality. This was why, despite the title of the show, no one had any secrets. All these damned flashbacks interrupting reality showing you your hot adopted sister in her bra and panties. And what about him? What about Tom? He'd carried the show for like a hundred seasons now; always ready to hop into the story as the heart warming comic relief or moral compass. He'd been there since day bloody one, but not a single damn flashback or character development montage. He let his spork fall to his plate with a clatter.
"Tom," his mother said, "Grace was just having a montage."
"Hey everybody," he said, "remember that time I made a sandwich?"
"Sunshine Lollipops" began to play as Grace and Jack's first coupling faded into a montage of Tom dribbling a bed of lettuce over a substrate of dusky pumpernickel. This roughage was soon followed by perfectly symmetrical slices of cucumber, pearly white mushrooms, and two emerald slivers of green peppers placed to center at a jaunty angle, glistening dewily in his memory of that fine day.
Grace cleared her throat. "Jack, do you remember the time we--"
"And then I added cheese." Tom added. And indeed there was cheese. Perfect scalene triangles of aged, smokey cheddar; a creamy, rich yellow comforter over a box spring mattress of leafy green.
"Grace, I love--"
"And then I added mustard!" Tom added. Reality zoomed in as Tom's spork spread a layer of gritty dijon over the top of his creation.
"Oh my God!" Cried Amy, who just then appeared at the table. "Tom TOTALLY made that sandwich!"
"Yes," Tom said. "And remember that time I hired a prostitute? Off the internet?"
And then they cut to the time Tom did this thing. Only not Betty, that hooker with a heart of gold who kept showing up as a regular character for some reason. It was a previous, unfilmed sequence with a hooker portrayed by that chick who used to have red hair, but was now a blonde, giving him a dirty sanchez. A scene that his agent had muscled into the contract, but was never meant to be viewed by man nor beast. For some reason, "Sunshine Lollipops" was still playing.
Grace vomited, Tom's mother passed out, and Jack left the room to take care of business.
"Oh my God!" Amy cried. "You also know how to use the internetz?? You could so easily provide for a family! I'm so leaving both the nerdy kid AND pompadour hairdo guy for you!"
It suddenly turned out that Amy was wearing a wedding dress (a real one; not the shitty one they picked out in the show,) and Tom was wearing a top hat, and also heart boxers with suspenders. And galoshes. And with that they piled into Tom's Monopoly car, and looked boss driving into the sunset whilst gummi bears and Monopoly dogs the size of Datsuns hopped about the veranda like they were on the motherfucking moon.
